Dreaming

I am a vivid and avid dreamer. I think it's because I make it a priority to get so much REM sleep.

But lately my dreams have been particularly vivid, and I'm not sure why. They have also been more taunting.

I hate taunting dreams. I wake up confused with a vague sense of longing. These are the kinds of dreams that remind me I'm not where or with the people I want to be, doing the things I would rather be doing.

The other day I woke up, and all the sudden I had the urge to just leave and drive the nine hours to Michigan. I think this often actually, but this morning the yearning was stronger than usual. I could totally do it, technically speaking. I don't really need my parents' permission....they might be upset with me if I just left with their car. I'm actually pretty sure my mother would slightly freak out. But hey! It's completely plausible [though a bit outlandish].

Christmas

Christmas this year was particularly nice.

Getting to go home for the holidays was the perfect present. Really I would have been happy with just that. I like being away from Provo for a short while. A break was more than welcome; it was needed. We ate a lot, played soccer and four square, played Celebrity, the Staring Game, and Munchkin, and then watched It's a Wonderful Life. 

If I've learned one thing this past semester, it's that I miss my dad's sense of humor, talking to my mother in person, Colby's threats and outlandish demands, Leah's facial expressions, and Abby's craziness.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I know I did. There's something irreplaceable about actually seeing people face-to-face.

Which Reminds Me...

I took the most terrifying final exam today. Well, it was terrifying for me.

For my Byzantine art history class, my professor puts up pictures of a fresco, mosaic, building, etc. and we are supposed to identify the building, year it was built (within +/- 10 years), location, and artist/architect if known; we then have to list everything about the work that we know (the more the better). That's 3-4 points you could potentially miss if you failed to do all that. We talk about a lot of frescoes/mosaics, and most of the time it's very difficult to find quality pictures of them on the interweb. Usually I do OK with finding images, but this time....no. I could not find hardly anything.

Conclusion: I basically guessed on three churches. It felt like I was poking around in the dark. He happened to put up images from three churches that I absolutely could not find. I usually don't feel prepared for his tests, but I tend to do pretty well on them anyway. This one was different though. I hate it when I don't know things, so I'm having to deduce and infer.

By the way...I guessed correctly. So relieved.

After I take this World Civilization final, I'll have three finals left which means halfway done. I have a German oral exam tomorrow that I am really nervous for. I suck at speaking German. I can read and write just fine, but speaking and listening comprehension? Ha. No. I had to sign up to take the exam at 8 AM. That kind of sucks/I hope I wake up. But it gets worse on Thursday; I have an exam at 7 AM. That's...just inappropriate. /I really really really hope I wake up.

You can't starve a fasting man, you can't steal from someone who has no money, you can't ruin someone who hates prestige. This is truly freedom.

Thus are the lives of Franciscan monks. I want to be one.

Some Byzantine Art Humor?

Guess who hasn't blogged in almost a month. I'm always annoyed when people don't blog for extended periods of time, i.e. a month, so naturally it's been really annoying me.

My first semester of college is over.

Conclusion: 18 credit hours are totally doable. Am I doing it next semester? Not as of right now, though that is subject to change. I'm considering adding an Intro to International Relations class however, just because it would fit perfectly into my schedule. Also, I am going to miss Professors Brown and Johnson. I ended up loving my PoliSci class, much to my surprise. Everything I ever thought about politics? Totally changed. That class was so enlightening. I'm really going to miss my Byzantine art history class. I loved Byzantine art before I took it, but I love it even more now. And Professor Johnson is just so awesome. His scope of knowledge is something I aspire to have one day. I also love his sense of humor.

In the fresco below is depicted the Visitation Scene where Mary and Elizabeth, both expecting, greet each other. They happen to be floating off the ground, and Prof. Johnson called it a "chest bump." So amused by this, but it might be one of those things where you had to be there to find it funny....

And then in the scene below, is the Lamentation Scene in which Christ has been removed from the cross and all around are mourning for his death. John's (in the pink) arms are thrown backward and his mouth is open, and I just imagine him saying, "What are you doing!??" It doesn't seem to me to be the "saddest" of poses, and I probably shouldn't find it as funny as I do, but I can't help it.

And I'm sure there's some Renaissance art historian somewhere who just died a little bit, because I implied the Giotto's Lamentation scene is Byzantine.

I Want So Much.....

THIS. How can I make this? Think, think.

Don't Read this Post

Lately I've been wondering if where I am in my life is the right place for me to be. Was BYU the right choice for me? I often wonder how my life would be different had I gone to VCU or Augustana instead. I'd have more debt. I would not be around so many Mormons. There would not be this subconscious pressure to if not get engaged then to at least have a boyfriend....probably.

I'm slowly realizing that I'm extremely alone in this world. Not in the sense that I'm friendless, have no one to turn to, etc. I know none of that is true. Nevertheless I do also know that there are things I'm not comfortable admitting or telling other people. But to get back to my original point, I'm alone. Only I can definitively control my life, I am the only one who really understands the why. What goes on in my world is largely unique to only me, the way I react and interpret things that go on. No one else is aware of the entirety of my life's circumstances and vice versa; I don't claim to know everything about others' lives. But really, it's just me. Often times I feel like the odd man out, the third wheel per say; when I'm with others doing things that I wasn't necessarily invited to, when I just tag along, or when I feel others are patronizing me with an invitation. This is when I become frustrated with the seeming lack of sincerity in general. I find myself not worrying about what others are worrying about, and then I start to question what I should want out of my own life, what I should make out of my life. I start doubting my major, because--let's face it--I love it, but there's not much I can do with it. It doesn't come with a lot of security attached to it.

I guess I have yet to find a more concrete role and place in this world. So of course I rant about it on this blog, and you probably could care less.

Why do we, as human beings, feel the need to be involved in the lives of those around us? Why do we feel this pressure to interact with people? Quite frankly, most of the times I don't want to, and then I feel forced to do something I don't want to and be something I'm not. I hate having to guess and gauge others' regards, to fret about making conversation with someone, because honestly I just prefer the sweet sound of silence. I hate the awkward feeling that arises out of a strained conversation, the fear that someone will judge you for a remark you make, the frantic state of my mind that accompanies face-to-face communication with others. There's probably one person I don't feel like this with, and that would be my mother.

Lately I've been retracting. This is what happens when my thoughts become so weighed down by the sheer magnitude of themselves that I turn inwards. It's a familiar feeling, I can pinpoint specific times in my life when this has happened. I know why it's happening, and now the biggest factor is time. I just need time. I need others to be patient with me, I need to be patient with myself.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said and things that need to be done, but I just can't. It's not a question of will but rather capability.

All I know are a few things, namely that I really want to serve a mission--now. I hate money. I know that I just want someone who will listen to me. I want to gain an education; I want more than one degree, and I want graduate school. I want to study abroad. I know I have a God in heaven who cares for me, and it seems that during times like these, this is one of the few things that carries me through. So basically, that's all I really know. The details can take care of themselves later.

Life is a Maze

So this is me. On campus. On a Saturday. Doing homework. Left the apartment at 8:30, and seven hours later here I am. Not as bad as one might think, actually.

And yes, I know, I woke up freakishly early for a Saturday morning.

I'm having a dilemma about next semester.

What do I want to take and how many credits?

I'm almost tempted to take 18.5. I just can't decide. I thought I wanted to take Intro to International Politics, then I thought a linguistics course would be interesting. Then I saw this movie today, Being in the World, and now I want to take a philosophy class. Philosophy is so abstract, it's not concrete whatsoever with the result being you can say whatever you want. I'm loving this concept right now. And then I thought a ballroom dance class would be fun. I have many issues with this, mainly I'm way too inhibited and I don't really...dance. That could change though, right? Then I thought I could take an intro to drawing or sculpture class. I have this theory I'm still formulating, but I think one gains a greater appreciation and understanding of art if one experiences the process.

So yeah, if I took one of the three classes above plus a ballroom dance class, that would put me at 18.5. Is this allowed at BYU? Shrugs in lack of resolution/answer.

I'm also toying with the idea of doing an internship in the winter or spring/summer semester at the Springville art museum. They have a large collection of newly obtained paintings from the Soviet era. I would absolutely love to get a closer, first-hand look and understanding of those works.

Clearly I cannot make decisions very well. If I paid someone five dollars, do you think they would make them for me?

Life and Me

I went to quiz bowl last night, and it made me think of March 5, 2011. Probably one of the best experiences of my life. I cherish that memory and am so grateful to have had that experience.

So I'm deciding which classes to take next semester, and I can't decide if I want to take this Art History Theory and Methodology course or if I want to take German at the same time as my friend. The Theory and Methodology course conflicts with the only time she can take it....hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I have an art history test tomorrow in my world civilization class. Is it terrible that I just don't care about it? I nailed my Byzantine art history mid term on Tuesday. I wasn't as good with the dates on this one, but I'm 99% I got them all within the ten year time span my professor graciously gives us.

I found this blog. It's written by one of associate art history professors here at BYU. I love it. Everything she says, I just keep thinking, "me, too." I don't think I've developed quite a love for French art and Manet, however I can relate to her passion and reasoning. It's comforting to know there are others...like me in the world. (That sounded weird. Hopefully you get the general gist, whoever you may be.)

I bought some quotable cards at the bookstore yesterday for some decoration in our scant living room. The walls are so bare, it's painful. Now I just need to hang them up. When I bought them, all I could think of was how my brother Rielly detests words as art. Maybe this is subconsciously preventing me from actually hanging them up. Or maybe I just have a lot of school stuff going on. So, of course, I'm blogging. Right. Either way, something has got to go on those walls.

Anyway, my favorite one quotes Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland:

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much patience," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lately I've been getting to bed before midnight. Last night I went to bed before eleven. Tonight I will clearly be up past midnight. However, I love sleep. I really took that for granted before. Never again.

Basically, I have a lot going on right now, but I'm loving it.

I cannot wait for Christmas break. I'd rather have it without the whole finals, but I suppose that's not up to me.

Conflict

I am having much inner conflict here, folks.

It's like I'm fighting this battle with myself that I have no chance of winning.

I'm sick of it, I just want it to be over, but it's not. I live with it, literally.

Conclusion: I'm worn out, but I can't surrender. I just need to focus.

Also: school.

Please, someone convince me that an A- is a good grade and that I should not be mildly disappointed with it.

"Art is not to be underestimated as mere decoration, but should be recognized as an influential expression of ideas and a means for constructing a visual environment within which the nature of the individual and social ideals can be displayed."

--Robin Cormack

In Awe

Love the Sound....

...of leaves crunching beneath my feet.

The Essence of My Life

Hot cocoa. Books. Letters. A vintage feel.

It is 4 AM

Yes, I am up way too late. Over it.

You know what I don't understand?

People.

Sometimes I wonder about them, and why they care about certain things that I don't seem to care about.

I just love books. They're much simpler than real people.

I am trying to write a thesis paragraph for my term paper. It's for my Early Christian/Byzantine Art class.

Let's just say, I love this class. I'm doing pretty well in it, however I've only had two grades thus far, and I only have three more grades for the entire class. Hence, each of the assignments are incredibly important. Hence I feel this pressure to do very well on each of them. Hence I studied five hours plus for the first test. It totally paid off though....I did not do it by myself however.

Anyway.

Term paper, it's kind of a Big Deal.

First let me explain my mixed feelings. For my paper proposal, I picked this fresco in the Santa Maria Antiqua in Rome. Unbeknownst to me, this is actually a Western Medieval piece of art. Guess who does not know the difference between Western Medieval and Byzantine frescoes in the mid-sixth century? Me. Needless to say, I'm borderline freaking out about this paper.

But, I love the topic I chose. Depictions of Mary as a Maria Regina figure? Gosh dang, I love Byzantine art. And I love the piece I chose. It's a really unique one; it's the earliest depiction of Mary as the Regina (empress/queen) figure, AND it survived the Byzantine iconoclastic period in which many pictures were destroyed. Kind of a big deal for Byzantine art historians.

But according to my professor and others, it's technically Western Medieval.

"Whyyyyyy?" I whine.

So basically, I'm worried that this is a handicap to my paper, although my professor told me that it's not. I don't think he knows I'm a lowly freshman who has never written a research paper of this size. I'm also unclear as to what I'm supposed to do with this paper. He said to put it in context, but that is so vague. I need a prompt AP Lit style, please.

Plus, I'm writing this paper and the person grading it will be an expert on the subject. He has probably seen plenty of papers discussing the depiction of Mary as an empress. This is intimidating.

I'm thinking about discussing contemporary images of Byzantine empresses as well as images of Mary not necessarily shown as an empress but as the Theotokos, the "Bearer of God." Does this count? I feel like....these images indirectly (or directly, but I can't make such a bold claim) influence the decision to depict Mary as a Regina.

The biggest trouble I'm having is articulating my thoughts. I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it.

Bissera Pentcheva, could you please write this essay for me? I can pay you $5.

By the way, Bissera Pentcheva is currently my hero. I want to copy and paste her book Icons and Power: The Mother of God in Byzantium into a Word document and submit that for my paper.

Oh and one last question. Would it be weird if I talked about Ariadne and Sophia but left out Theodora? I mean, she came between Ariadne and Sophia and was kind of an important empress....but that would require more research. Blehh.

Halloween

Question:

Do you think I/anyone in general could pull of the Nike of Samothrace for a Halloween costume?

*Note: this is completely hypothetical/highly unlikely that I would ever do this. But holy crap I love this statue.

The 17th

Today was my birthday.

Birthdays are always anticlimactic.

The highlight: My dad called and sang "Happy Birthday" Dumbo style for me. Loved it.

Nineteen is a weird age, I think. Nothing really exciting happens, and yet it's like, "holy crap, I'm almost twenty." Now, twenty sounds old and nineteen is just awkward. If I was a boy, I could go on a mission. I think about this often actually. Just two more years though.

Overall: lots of cake=a good birthday.

Fun, or at least my definition

Peter asked me last night what I did in my free time. I told him that I go to lectures.

There are so many interesting things happening at college. There is so much to learn. A few weeks ago I went a lecture about the collapse of empires. Last night I learned about German film and art/literature and its role during post-WWII. It was so very intriguing. Today I saw a presentation on flint knapping. (Flint knapping is one of those things that's more exciting to watch than to think or hear about.) Tomorrow I get to go to a lecture about the Sophie Project, a project about early German women authors.

Guys, I never studied any of these things for quiz bowl nor did I know the study of these things even existed.

A lot of upper classmen have mentioned to us freshmen that they wish they would have been involved with more things during college. Well, this is my version of being more involved. Plus, you meet really cool and interesting and intellectual people when you go to these things.

Oh, and did I mention that they're all free? College just keeps getting better and better.

In Love

I love October.

I love the fall.
I love the way the air smells, the way the leaves change color in an explosion of autumnal splendor.

I love fall weather: not too hot, not too cold. Excellent medium.

I love pumpkins and squash.

I love Halloween and how so many people are so creative with their costumes.

I love creativity and originality.

I love Almond Joys, but for some reason very few people ever handed those out for treats.

I love pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

I love apple pie.

I love apple cider and cider donuts.

I love fall fashion.

I love fall colors.

I love general conference, which always happens the first weekend in October.

I love the general authorities of the church.

I love the gospel.

I love how general conference always makes me want to be a better person.

I love how general conference gives me hope and guidance and answers.

I love Feist.

I love melancholy love songs.

I love the perfectness of today's weather.

I love Byzantine architecture.

I love my purple glasses.

I love this Threadless shirt I'm wearing.

I love how my professors are all awesome.

I love that I get to go to college.

I love the huge variety of people I meet on a daily basis.

I love diversity.

I love my family: Rielly, Lacey, Clayton, Colby, Luke, Leah, and Abby. They're perfectly imperfect, and I would have them no other way.

I love my mother. The more I see of the world, the more I'm grateful that she's my mother.

I love my father. Sister Dalton was so right about a father's influence in his daughter's life.

I love that there is kindness in the world.

I love generosity.

I love the Spirit.

I love unselfishness.

I love that I have friends, old and new.

I love that I was given the opportunity to live in Michigan.

I love that I chose to come to BYU.

I love the feeling when I first lay down in my bed after a long day, and I can just completely relax.

I love sarcasm.

I love witty humor. PUNS!

I love the feeling of satisfaction.

I love the sound of an acoustic guitar.

I love the sound of a ukulele.

I love grey skies.

I love the rain.

I love being in the rain.

I love the English language.

I love books, how authors can manipulate language.

I love the simple sounds of a piano.

I love the sculpture of Michelangelo. Overrated, but what can I say?

I love paintings.

I love the silent, venerated beauty of an old building in ruins.

I love poetry.

I love spontaneity, although I'm not prone to it very often if at all.

I love bread.

I love mangoes and avocados.

I love my eyes and hands.

I love thinking and pondering.

I love silence.

I love laughter, especially when someone's laugh is contagious.

I love children: their simplicity, their willingness, their genuine nature.

I love history.

I love my patriarchal blessing.

I love all that Novi quiz bowl has made me.

I love the internet.

I love hymns.

I love prayer.

I love wisdom, especially the wisdom of God.

I love Fridays. But alas, today is Monday.

I love life....most of the times. :)

And if you really read through this crazy long list of things I love (which is not complete, I'm pretty sure), then I love you, too.

This is me, choosing to be happy.

Some people say that happiness is a choice, and I really do believe this.

But my question is, what if you have a hard time choosing happiness?

It should be an easy choice, right? An obvious answer. I mean, why wouldn't you choose happiness? Right?

"The achievement of true greatness is a long-term process... It always requires regular, consistent, small, and sometimes ordinary and mundane steps over a long period of time."

--Howard W. Hunter

I Kinda/Sorta.....

....really like college. Almost love, but not quite there yet.

I have the opportunity to see frescoes in Pompeii that are closed to the general public. Do you know how badly I am geeking out about that? No, you don't. It's intense. Never before have I ever geeked out this badly. I just want to do internships at museums for the rest of my life.

Also: paper conservation. Old books, making them look pretty again, preserving old books. This is what I will probably be doing in Heaven.

This guy showed us the backroom of the Met in NYC. There was an Eakins painting, just hanging out there, NBD, next to an unfinished eighteenth century portrait and what appeared to be a Van Dyck. I wish this was my backroom, where I just have some BA paintings hanging out like nothing. Sigh.

Weekly Musings

What do Angela Merkel and Martin Luther have in common?
We will have lifesize cardboard cutouts of them for German Week at my school. If only they would be there in person. Next best thing, right? Uhh, yeah. I'm super excited.

Only in quiz bowl is one's "nerdy joke" derailed as being "nerdy." Contrary to popular belief, electrons can be Catholic, because they do--in fact--have mass, even if it is negligible.

Abigale has a most insightful take on Jason Bourne's girlfriend Marie's death: "He finally finds someone who wants to be with him, and then she dies. It's like bye-bye, see you later. In Heaven. When I die, which will most likely be from another assassin." I love being able to talk about movies with my sister, especially when it involves applying Mormon doctrine to a rather peculiar and somewhat surprisingly fitting situation.

I thought that being in college meant I could listen to a rather intellectual lecture given by a woman with a doctorate degree from New Zealand, without people around me whispering and making fun of her accent. Guess not. I have come to the conclusion that people flirting during class time is very, very annoying. Seriously, guys, it can wait.

Ever felt upset towards someone then realized you probably had no justification for feeling that way? So then you stop being upset for a moment, and then slowly but surely that feeling comes back and you just can't explain  or help it. I'm rather conflicted, to say the least.

#CurrentStateOfMind*

*I have a Twitter now, so I am definitely allowed to use hashtags. K, thanks.

Emaline, what should our radio show be about?

"It should be about the underestimated importance of aesthetics in the perception and development of our modern world."

Please.

Why I Fail

I have had a failure of the past four days.

Firstly, on Friday, I find out I'm supposed to have an hour of outside class German speaking with someone. Let's just say, I don't have it and won't be getting it before I have to report on my weekly assignments. Then I went and scheduled my German test in the testing center...for the time I'm supposed to be in class. Oh, and because I have terrible luck or something, we would be taking an oral exam in class that. I don't know if I can make it up, but I'm really hoping my professor plays the mercy card here. I'm feeling really stupid after making such an obvious blunder, only to find out AFTER the fact that I can reschedule my test time, and now I'm going to get a zero on a part of the exam. No, I am most definitely not OK with this. Not after failing a Book of Mormon quiz last night. Of the which I should have aced. So now I'm going to be getting a horrible grade in German.

Yes, German. This is ignominious. We're not even being tested on new material, it's all review. This is crap. I think the universe does not want me to speak German. Or get at least a 3.75 GPA. Probably the latter of the two. They want me to get into debt for school and not be eligible for any sort of scholarships. I'm a bit of a wreck right now, in case you can't tell.

I mean, it's not just German. I've had several of these instances build upon one another, and I just can't seem to make it stop. Gosh, I need to focus. Why am I blogging? This is supposed to be healthy for my emotions, but all it's doing is bringing them back up to the surface for me to fester over some more. Dumb.

I miss my mother.

Mr.Fitzgerald...

...you're speaking to my soul.

Spontaneous Inspiration

I'm sitting here, writing.

Do you know that feeling you get when you sit down to write, and you're not exactly sure what direction you're going to take, though you have a vague outline in your mind, and then you start writing? The words all of a sudden come to you, one thought leads to another in a domino fashion, and before you know it, you've cranked out 1,168 words in less than half an hour.

I love this feeling. New thoughts seem to occur to me in those instances, and I think I'm quite the fan of this spontaneous inspiration.

Future Home

"If only you knew how much I wanted to say but didn't!" --Anne "Cordelia" Shirley

And....If only you knew how much I regret not saying.

A Veritable Truth

FYI:

When you tell me to drop one of my classes because I won't be able to do 18 credit hours, this strengthens my determination to prove you wrong.

Just sayin'.

Yoyoyo

It's official. I just moved into my apartment the other day. Super exciting, right? Right.

The picture? That's a headband I bought at a fundraiser for my aunt who has breast cancer. I really love it, but I don't know how often I'll wear it. I would like to wear it more than just occasionally, but I'm not sure. It's a bit bold for my taste (even with the muted colors). Dilemma.

I think I finally got this financial aid thing worked out. This is cause for jazz hands.

Expectations

I'm generally the type of person who does not have expectations at all. This prevents disappointment and dissatisfaction, for the most part. I just kind of go with the flow, experience things for the sake of experiencing them. I'm a firm believer that experience is the best teacher, so I try to keep an open mind and let the nature of things take shape in my mind afterwards.

But I hate not knowing, and that's the worst part. I think I could have an entire post dedicated to this statement.

I don't really know what to expect with college. I think it will be exhausting, difficult, demanding, and rigorous, especially since I'm taking eighteen credit hours my first semester. That makes me kind of nervous. However, other than those slightly intimidating adjectives, I just don't know. I tend to underestimate things, and I'm afraid I've done this will college already. What am I getting myself into? I can take advice from others who have been there, but personal opinions, aptitudes, and attitudes vary so much. I seldom find someone who gauges my own abilities as well as me, someone who gauges the world in a similar manner.

Conclusion: experience is a crude, but very valuable teacher.

Unstuck in Time

Time is an interesting concept.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote an entire book, Slaughterhouse Five, about a character who was unstuck in time--he moves through time so effortlessly, going from his past to his future to his present without much difficulty, just bouncing along. I can totally see where Vonnegut got this concept. I'm kind of in love with it.

In this movie, IQ, this eccentric old guy claims that there is no such thing as time, it's not real, something made up by humans in an effort to further control nature. This is what I choose to believe about time.

We really can't measure time. We try to, but who can really say if we're successful? Your future is constantly becoming your present, your present instantaneously becoming your past. It just moves on, we can't control it. It's one of the few constants in life, such as taxes and death and change.

Mother Nature has such an ironic sense of humor.

While we're on the subject, I really want a shirt with the words "I find this ironic" above a huge picture of an iron.

Dieser Sommer

This summer was actually quite eventful.
I learned that there is way too much drama that goes on behind the happy facades people wear at the Clyde York. But despite the petty drama, disagreements, and awkward situations, there's something about the CY you gotta love. I haven't quite figured out what it is.

This summer, I shot skeet with a twelve gauge shotgun for the first--and probably last--time, caught my first fish (a 10 inch crappie--pronounced "craw-pee"), made friends with a classic country girl and a Brazilian volleyball player, met a real country cowboy, had some of the best conversations with Jacob, and learned to tolerate some country music. I cleaned more toilets, mopped more floors, and pulled more weeds than most people in their whole life.

I feel like the opportunity to work at the CY this summer was a second chance given to me to see Tennessee in a new light. They've been the best three months of this past year. See you next year, guys.

Sidenote: pictorial evidence does exist of both the crappie and shotgun experience. Somehow they are in the possession of my boss....long story.

Relenting

Once upon a time, a time that seemed so long ago (despite it being only a year) that it was almost becoming a distant sort of dream, someone dear to me once accused me of not trying hard enough. Little did they know how those words would echo in my mind, how they would haunt me. I don't hold anything against them for saying that; they were absolutely right, especially in the context of the situation. Nonetheless, I'm afraid it's quite true. I'm too impassive, too willing to let things happen as they will, too disposed to accept things as they are. There's a French proverb that says only dead fish swim with the current. I suppose that's what I am: a dead fish.

I'm not a fighter. I used to think that I was one to pick my fights, one who would stand up to the challenge and face it head on when it arose, one who would struggle to get what I want the most. A valiant defender when my beliefs were called into question, a proactive person when it came to getting what I desire and yearn for.

But not anymore.

A Rather Religious Post

I had to work today, so I did not get a chance to go to church. 

I wish I could have gone to church. 

Someone once asked me if going to church every week was necessary to be a Christian. I hesitated in saying yes, because I think it depends on the person. But for me, personally, the answer would be yes. I really benefit from it. 

I was reading a talk given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf (Waiting on the Road to Damascus), and there is a section about serving others. He mentions that as we become answers to someone else's prayers by actively serving them, we find the answers to our own prayers. 

There is a saying, a truth in my own experience and personal belief, that often times the Lord answers our prayers vicariously other people. I love this concept, this strategy, if you will. The little ways in which God reminds us that he is not only there but keenly aware of us is so comforting in such a tumultuous world full of troubles--whether personal or global. That direct method of letting us know that he hears you is reassuring, a further testament that he is there. 

I believe there was a time that I was somewhat ungrateful for the people in my life. Perhaps not ungrateful, but not aware of how fortunate I was that they were there for me, that they were a part of my life, great influences on the person I have become. And then boom, suddenly they are no longer very close, and I experience a rude awakening. 

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow....right? 

Just thought I'd share. 

Done

I'm done with this summer.

I mean, I feel like this summer has slipped away. Then again all summers are like that. What happened to June and now July? Not sure, but I do know that a lot of it has been spent at camp.

But I'm done. I just wish school would start. I anticipate college more and more every day. However, I want to skip the first month of school, with all the awkward adjustments and noobishness. Let's just pretend I'm not a freshman again, k?

Rant o' the Day

Disclosure: these are purely my thoughts and opinions, don't take anything personally. I don't mean to offend or sound pretentious.

So, yeah. Bikinis.
Let's just say...sometimes I have issues with them. I mean, if you want to wear shreds of fabric that resemble your underwear to a public pool for the whole world to see, be my guest. Whatever floats your boat.

However, I have an issue with parents who feel the need to don their little girls in bikinis. I try not to judge these sorts of parents, I'm sure they're perfectly decent and respectable people, but really? They're young, why are you putting them in attire that is not exactly age appropriate? To me, the message a bikini can send is not one little girls should be portraying. They have their whole life ahead of them to wear revealing clothing if they so wish. Let's not spoil their childhood with swimwear that's obviously meant for older, more mature women.

It's borderline amusing when girls wearing bikinis walk or run to the edge of the diving board and, before jumping, place their hand over their chest to prevent their top from coming off. I would just like to point out, for the record, it would be less worrisome to wear a one piece or tankini.

Then today I saw a girl wearing a tank top over her bikini. Darling, just save yourself the trouble and buy a tankini for heaven's sake. It's probably simpler.

"But one pieces are so annoying!! You get ugly tan-lines and they're such a bother when trying to use the bathroom!!"  Um, yeah, those issues are kinda/sorta shallow and easily fixed. Let me know when you come up with a valid complaint against tankinis or one pieces.

I wish I could take photos like this. I need a new camera.

Love Me Some Quote Blogs

“Trust that little voice in your head that says "Wouldn't it be interesting if.."; And then do it."
-Duane Michals

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself."

-Robert Frost

Taken from: quotes.blogspot.com
Check it out. It's a great blog.

I'm too comfortable with mediocrity. Then again, it's a solid middle ground. It's a comfort zone of sorts.
But if we all stayed in our comfort zones, would the world progress?
Probably not.
Here's to exceeding my own expectations.

Jane Austen, you are perfection

Jane Austen's Handwriting

(I sincerely hope the link works.) 

Great Gatsby, I got so excited when I saw this. I think I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to Jane Austen, along with other dead people. 

But seriously, I got the chills when I saw this excerpt from her unfinished work The Watsons. 

Doesn't she have beautiful hand writing?

A Sad Truth

Jersey Shore makes me want to cry.
There is so much in the world, so much beauty, wisdom, creativity, knowledge; so many ideas put forth and so many more just waiting to be voiced.
And yet people watch Jersey Shore. What the heck?!
#Facepalm

Too Much Time

Right, so, I'm a lifeguard.
I have too much time to think.
I'm sitting up there on the stand, baking underneath the hot sun, reapplying sunscreen every fifteen minutes (or so it feels), and there isn't much to do....other than think.

I have a lot to think about right now. I feel like my life is in this transition phase. I have so many options ahead of me, so many choices, so many decisions. It's a matter of what, when, and mostly how.

I have an opportunity to go back to Michigan this summer for a few days....but I really don't know.  One part of me says YES and the other part hesitates. I'm not very good at saying good-bye. Then there's the issue of the cost. I hate money. I should be Amish. Any thoughts? Please?
#Torn

Reality is a slap on the face, a rude awakening.
But it's not so bad if we take time to notice the small things and maintain an attitude of gratitude.  

Wish, not Think

Sometimes? All the time.
I think I'm the people in the book? Most of the time I'm wishing I'm the people in the book.
Pride and Prejudice comes to mind, closely followed by The Scarlet Pimpernel, Merchant of Venice, and many others.

"There is no one alive who is youer than you." --Dr. Seuss

"Just be yourself and don't worry about it." --That's what I tell myself, right after I think about Dr. Seuss's words, and now Cummings's.
I worry too much about what others think of me. This....should probably stop. I'm working on it.

The Truth About Life

As the old adage goes, you never know what you have until it's no longer yours.

Gentlemen

This is how I picture a gentleman: 

Colin Firth/Mr. Darcy

and Clark Gable/Rhett Butler

 And as for aspiring gentlemen:

Suits, vests, and good hair are also nice. 'Nuff said.

Story of My Life

I should live my life by these rules. 

A lot of times, I hold myself back, preventing myself from living life to its fullest. I'm too inhibited. Sometimes I'm grateful for it, sometimes I'm not. 

Another new life motto: just do it. (Credit to Spencer W. Kimball, not Nike.)

Carpe diem!?

Right Now

So right now I'm at summer camp, and I scheduled this post--as well as those before it and many after it-- a long time ago.
But hey, at least my blog is still active! And that's what counts.
Hope you like some of the things I like, because there will be no updates on my partytastic life for a while. Mainly quotes and pictures and other stuff I've come across via Google and stumbleupon.

Google+Stumbleupon+Wikipedia= my internet loves
They are what make me grateful to be born in the 21st century. That and women's rights.

D'Awwwwwwwww

Oooh

There are a lot of things I love about this picture: the steam from the train, the grey-blue sky, the coloring, the angle of the shot, and especially the woman's outfit.
Gotta love my sophisticated vintage. I was totally born in the wrong decade....or century.
It reminds me of an Edward Hopper painting.
#EdwardHopperLove

Dead Poet's Society

Mr. Keatings:

the English teacher I wish I had, the Mrs. Bryen of English teachers.

Thank you, Albert Einstein

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

Mustaches

I have a penchant for mustaches. Nuff said.

“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
-G. K. Chesterton

Summary

At my graduation, a duet was sung, and a certain line really stuck with me:

I hope you never look back, but I hope you never forget.

Do you ever hear something, and then it strikes you that whatever you just heard is exactly the thing you needed to hear? You've unexpectedly stumbled upon a gem of wisdom, a truth that you somehow knew existed but had yet to put articulately into words. It's so true, so applicable, and yet the wording is so simplistic. 

I feel like this is something particularly relevant to coping with this last year. 

I think I've benefited from moving. It's difficult thinking about the things I missed, but then I realize that I have everything I need, and I should be grateful for the opportunities presented to me regardless of where I live. I needed this move to help me realize things about my life. 

To sum up the past, rather odd, year of my life: increased sense of humility & gratitude, more independence, more responsibility, greater appreciation for and recognition of my life's blessings, confidence, learning the importance of friends, and a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father & immediate family. 

I wouldn't do it differently if I found the rewind button of life.

Just keep in touch, k?

I want to ride on the back of a moped with a ridiculously good looking boy.

I'mma Graduate

 "I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum."

1.  --George Bailey

1. 
   

C'est official. 

I'm a high school graduate.

Bring on the rest of my life. 

#NewLifeMantra

Favourite Underrated European Monarch

Wilhelm II.

First, I would like you to take note of his mustache. There are few men in the world, Hitler, Van Dyck, Stalin, whose mustache has become synonymous with their name and figure. Wilhelm is one of them. This alone is merit enough for a "favourite underrated" status.

Also, this guy is very eccentric. He referred to himself as "Emperor of the Atlantic" (and his contemporary Edward VII as "Emperor of the Pacific") in every day conversation. He would keep his ministers up at all hours lecturing on anything--Germany's greatness, the military, the importance of the navy, himself, etc, etc. One of his ministers, who was notable for being a royal suck-up to His Majesty, is said to have gone home (after schmoozing the king during these unendurably long nights), swear loudly, drink vodka or some other heavy liquor, and then sleep for 24 hours. He also tried to start many wars, especially one between England and Russia. After he became Emperor, he refused to wear anything but his military outfit. George V recorded in his journal how whenever forced to visit or accept a visit from Wilhelm, which was much too often for poor Georgie, he would dread it, only to breathe a sigh of relief once the crazy monarch left.

(Wilhelm is just so amusing, I'm doing  a terrible job enunciating the many ways in which I'm amused by him.)

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

--Leo Tolstoy

Adaptation, not Assimilation

So last Thursday was my last day of high school. I was not sad. I will not miss anything concerning my current high school. I'm done with it, I'm over it, I'm ready to leave this place. As the title says, I feel like I've adapted to my high school, but I have not assimilated. I don't feel like I'll be leaving anything behind, no immense sadness has come over me. I think it's important to make that distinction. Anything I'll miss about high school I already do; I left it behind in Michigan. It can be summed up as friends, quiz bowl, and AP Euro.

A friend of mine bought me skittles, some boy in my second block gave me his phone number and told me to text him....it was slightly awkward, but this is my life. (And I will not be texting him.) I talked to  more people in one day than in the past eight months that I've been at high school.

Onto bigger and better things. Please. Here's to hoping college is nothing like high school.

Summer Goal

Other than trying to prevent people from drowning, my goal this summer: memorize poems or at least lines of poetry.

I have this desire to be the kind of person who just quotes poetry.

I have Browning, Tennyson, Whitman, and Dickinson poetry books. This will be my starting point. But the first poem I must memorize: Musee des Beaux Arts by Auden. Good stuff.

Yeah, I'm still on my poetry kick. It might be here to stay. But no worries--I still have an undying love for novels. Did I mention how I got excited when I opened the essay section of my AP Literature and Composition test?

Alabama

I went to Alabama yesterday to help clean up the mess created by the tornadoes the past few weeks. It was humbling, devastating, and very eye-opening. I grossly underestimated the amount of damage a tornado does. It was crazy. We saw porches standing alone with no houses or trailers--the tornadoes had swept them away. So many trees had fallen; I spent the majority of the day clearing away wood and branches and leaves. Leah found a doll amidst the remains of a house that was demolished by a huge tree which fallen on it. The neighbor of this family we were helping had a daughter who had just bought a new trailer with her husband--both were killed in the tornado and their new trailer destroyed.

There was so much damage done, my gosh. It will probably take months to recover and you can't even fully recover from something like that.

I wonder how that tree stays standing at such a sharp angle...and the picture on the right looks like an earthquake went through and the tree was sitting right on the fault line.

Have you ever wanted to talk to someone about just everything that's going on right now, but you don't know who that someone would be and even if you do try, you don't think you'd be able to articulate yourself very well?

#Current_state_of_mind.