I Want So Much.....

THIS. How can I make this? Think, think.

Don't Read this Post

Lately I've been wondering if where I am in my life is the right place for me to be. Was BYU the right choice for me? I often wonder how my life would be different had I gone to VCU or Augustana instead. I'd have more debt. I would not be around so many Mormons. There would not be this subconscious pressure to if not get engaged then to at least have a boyfriend....probably.

I'm slowly realizing that I'm extremely alone in this world. Not in the sense that I'm friendless, have no one to turn to, etc. I know none of that is true. Nevertheless I do also know that there are things I'm not comfortable admitting or telling other people. But to get back to my original point, I'm alone. Only I can definitively control my life, I am the only one who really understands the why. What goes on in my world is largely unique to only me, the way I react and interpret things that go on. No one else is aware of the entirety of my life's circumstances and vice versa; I don't claim to know everything about others' lives. But really, it's just me. Often times I feel like the odd man out, the third wheel per say; when I'm with others doing things that I wasn't necessarily invited to, when I just tag along, or when I feel others are patronizing me with an invitation. This is when I become frustrated with the seeming lack of sincerity in general. I find myself not worrying about what others are worrying about, and then I start to question what I should want out of my own life, what I should make out of my life. I start doubting my major, because--let's face it--I love it, but there's not much I can do with it. It doesn't come with a lot of security attached to it.

I guess I have yet to find a more concrete role and place in this world. So of course I rant about it on this blog, and you probably could care less.

Why do we, as human beings, feel the need to be involved in the lives of those around us? Why do we feel this pressure to interact with people? Quite frankly, most of the times I don't want to, and then I feel forced to do something I don't want to and be something I'm not. I hate having to guess and gauge others' regards, to fret about making conversation with someone, because honestly I just prefer the sweet sound of silence. I hate the awkward feeling that arises out of a strained conversation, the fear that someone will judge you for a remark you make, the frantic state of my mind that accompanies face-to-face communication with others. There's probably one person I don't feel like this with, and that would be my mother.

Lately I've been retracting. This is what happens when my thoughts become so weighed down by the sheer magnitude of themselves that I turn inwards. It's a familiar feeling, I can pinpoint specific times in my life when this has happened. I know why it's happening, and now the biggest factor is time. I just need time. I need others to be patient with me, I need to be patient with myself.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said and things that need to be done, but I just can't. It's not a question of will but rather capability.

All I know are a few things, namely that I really want to serve a mission--now. I hate money. I know that I just want someone who will listen to me. I want to gain an education; I want more than one degree, and I want graduate school. I want to study abroad. I know I have a God in heaven who cares for me, and it seems that during times like these, this is one of the few things that carries me through. So basically, that's all I really know. The details can take care of themselves later.