In my life, there are a number of friendly-type of relationships that have diminished. My relationships with certain people are not what they once used to be. Close friends have become distant acquaintances, and I feel trapped when I'm around them. None of the ease that should accompany a true friendship.
I'm trapped by memories, haunted by echoes of something I once had but have now lost. And I am not sure how to get this back.
Even if I do "succeed," there exists this shell, a remnant of a connection that no longer exists that I've outgrown. A hollow and empty form that reminds me of what things once were. And I can't seem to overcome it. Things never seem to be the same, and I don't seem to quite succeed.
It's discouraging. It also makes me sad.
But I want to try to make amends. That counts for something, right?
In the instances where I have made amends, I feel hopeful but also unfulfilled at the same time. I yearn for the friendship that was once there. I want to permanently erase deeds and words from memory or any tangible evidence, blurt out apologies for my mistakes, and tell these people what I desire. I was never one for expressing my feelings to such an extent.
I find myself longing for friendship, and I can't seem to shake it off. But nor can I seem to succeed. Whether I attempt to amend a lost friendship or try to start a new one, I never feel like I get very far.
Maybe I should just try being a better friend to the ones that I already have. I can direct the path of my future.
Sorry for the rather introspective thoughts lately. I don't mean to be a downer, but I don't want to simply forget some realizations I've had lately.
