This Summer

Um, yeah...where'd it go?

I'm pretty sure this is how I always feel at this time of year. This time, however, I'm ready for the summer to be over. I'm ready to go back to Utah, to school, to Nathan, to my apartment and my cool tree mural I have which I hope is still up.

Highlights of my summer:
--I went scuba diving. It was amazing.
--I drove a back hoe. It was scary, I was afraid of breaking it, and I felt pretty legit.
--I went to the Frist with Nathan and saw this fabulous John Constable exhibition. I want to decorate my future house with nothing but Constable paintings. Seriously the best exhibit I have ever been to.
--Two brothers got married!
--I went to Michigan! I saw some friends which was really nice and went to the beach several times. I love Michigan beaches.
--I learned a lot. About life, about me, about others, about working with others, about coping with life and its challenges. This summer was a really unique experience for me, in a lot of ways. There are just some things that can't be learned any other way.

Going Back

I'm going to Michigan for the first time in a long time tomorrow.

Oh, Mitten, how I've missed you.

In which I rant

Dear Blog,

Hello.

I know you probably feel abandoned, ignored, or forgotten by me. That's OK. I would too if I were you. It's only been like two months. Let's just say I've been really really busy. Mainly working. And Nathan came to visit me, which was nice. But mainly working. It's hard to believe that 4-H camp is already over, and we're halfway through July. I'll probably be back at school before I know it. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I miss school...but I have decisions to make before then, stuff to do, etc. For example, I'm thinking about buying a car. This would mean car shopping, spending a bunch of money (which terrifies me), insurance, and gas. Hello, adult world! Why can't I be six again, playing with my Barbies, my biggest decision being how should I dress my Barbie, and can we please go to the park for the day? Life is crazy crazy.

I had a break through the other day about myself/my personality. I'm pretty sure I've realized this about myself before, but it reoccurred to me the other day. I'm a very reserved person. I'm not very effulgent when it comes to emotions, I don't express a lot of things, I keep to myself. I never thought this would be such an issue with myself or others. But I accept it for the most part. I guess the trick is trying to get others to accept it.

I'm ready for this summer to be over. My feelings about school itself are kind of torn, but I'm ready for the frustration caused by long distance to be over. I'm tired of battling 1700 miles and having only my memories to remind or inform me of my feelings. When am I going back/how am I getting back? Good question! I don't know. How am I going to pay for gas, insurance, utilities, and food if I do buy a car? That is another very good question. I would really rather not have a part-time job while at school. I have a wonderful scholarship that I would love to maintain/need to maintain, and it requires a lot of work and focus. Sometimes I worry that other things, such as a relationship, a job, fun activities/extra curricular, or life in general, will get in the way of my education. I really think that it is my top priority, and is this a good or a bad thing? I'm not sure. Honestly, my religion is probably up there next to my education. Then I worry I'm not putting enough energy into other aspects of life, such as my relationship, socializing or relaxing and having some fun, but when I think about it, I just don't care, because it's all for the sake of my education. Heaven forbid anything get in the way of my schooling.

So basically, I still have a lot to learn, especially about life. This is where I'm at right now. Thinking, thinking, thinking; wishing, wondering, hoping. Typical me.


Yours, etc.,


Emmeline 

I am alive.

I'm afraid I keep neglecting this blog. I don't want to neglect it. I just feel so busy. This is what camp does to me, I think. I worked 50 hours last week. I'm actually pretty happy about that. I like making money. It's pretty fabulous.

Speaking of money, guess who doesn't have to pay tuition next year because she got a scholarship that covers all tuition costs? Me. Yeah, I'm pretty stoked and under some pressure.

I'm pretty excited for summer to be over. I really want to go back to school. I'm keeping busy in other ways, but I still miss it all. And I miss Nathan. Sooooo yeah.

There will be two weddings this summer. It's weird to think that I'll have three married brothers. I feel like neither is mature enough to really get married, but that's really not my concern.

Should I buy a car? This is one of many questions I am currently asking myself. Thoughts?

Changes

First and foremost: I got a hair cut. It's rather drastic for me. The last time my hair was this short, I was a little girl. I am still not sure how I feel about it. Let's just say I'm torn. 

And secondly, allow me to introduce Nathan. He's the boyfriend. He's fantastic and we have lots of fun together. Basically. 

And thirdly, I'm back at camp. Now that this day has actually come and happened, I feel like I was just here. It's so weird. This place hasn't changed at all whatsoever. I'm still doing the same jobs, the same people are here plus or minus a few, and everything just looks/feels the same. This is boggling my mind because I feel like a completely different person. These past eight months have been really definitive and life changing, and then camp has remained constant. How does this work? Once again I feel as if I'm trying to reconcile the old and new aspects of my life. Wish me luck.  

Under Pressure

This is probably the most stressful week of my life.

I have a ten minute presentation on The Night Watch to give, and I am scared, so very very scared. I just know how it's going to go over. I'll trip and stumble over my words, say "uh" or "um" a lot, and I'll either go under time because I'm talking so fast or I'll go over time because I included too much. Doesn't this sound wonderful? Like a bucket full of sunshine and happiness. Gosh, I can't wait for it to be over. Pretty sure they will be the longest ten minutes of my life. Ever.

The over-achiever inside of me really does not want an A- in this class. But really, I shouldn't be complaining about any A-minuses that come my way, because, let's face it, that's a good grade, and I'm being dumb when I say I want a solid A and not an A-. I need someone to come slap me in my face to bring me back down to reality.

Clearly this is me, mildly freaking out. Because I need to freak out somewhere, why not on the internet, on my blog that very few people even read. If you are reading this, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Alright. Back to work.

Slacker Blogger

This is what I feel I am.

I hate dead blogs, and I feel like my blog is slowing down and almost becoming one of those.

I have an art history final today. It's about poststructuralist art theories and approaches. I'm pretty scared right now. I just really want to do very well, and I hope that I can. I've studied, so that should mean I'm ready, right? I feel ready-ish.

So life has been busy. The semester is winding down. I have a final project to finish, a presentation to give, and an annotated bibliography to also finish. I'm scared of this bibliography. It's so huge, and I'm worried I won't have enough sources or what I'm writing isn't what my professor is looking for, etc, etc. And then finals. Crap. That's all I have to say.

Next week is Art History week for me. On Wednesday, I get to go pick up my scholarship that the art history department is giving me. Did I mention that I won this scholarship I didn't even apply for? Yeah, I was totally stoked/excited. I wish more scholarships were like that. Then I'm giving a ten minute (ohmygosh, I fluctuate between, "ahhh, how will I talk for this long?" and "ahhh, I need more time to talk!!") presentation on Rembrandt's The Night Watch. And finally, on Friday they have senior these presentations, and I should go. I'll have to do that someday, and I find this concept rather frightening.

Classes for next semester. Basically, I don't know when I'm supposed to pick classes, and I have no idea what I'm taking. Quality planning for my future.

Just thinkin' 'bout happiness and decisions

I was talking to a friend today about someone feeling like they hadn't received an answer to a big decision they were trying to make in their life. This person had been praying about it, but hesitated because they didn't feel like they got a definite answer. My friend kind of shook her head when she heard this, and was telling me how this sort of situation is difficult for her to understand. She said that sometimes she's unsure of what she wants to do, but after she thinks about it is able to make definitive decision concerning the situation. She said that if you feel good about a situation and are happy with it, then maybe you don't need an answer. Maybe that good feeling and your already established happiness is the answer you're looking for.

This really struck me, because I had not thought of this before.

A lot of times, I'm looking for a definite answer, or as she put it, a bolt of lightning. I want this feeling of reassurance or something to happen that will tell me where to go and what to do. Maybe this isn't what I should be looking for. Maybe I should be content with happiness dictating my decision making. Maybe I should be asking myself, "Is this making me happy? Is this what I want? If yes, then go for it."

In case you were unaware, I'm having a difficult time deciding what to do this spring/summer. So I think I'll approach this decision from a different angle. Maybe I'm not sure what exactly I want to do, but I know there are some things I do want and some things I don't want. So maybe I'll think about this, weigh my options, make a list of things I do/don't want, and then make my decision. And then I'll decide which option will make me happiest.

Yeah. Let's do that.

Tender mercies come in all shapes and sizes

A tender mercy of the Lord:

I have been kind of stressed out lately about this huge project that's due in less than a month. I don't quite have enough research, and I've been really wanting this book that my library supposedly didn't have. Needless to say, I was rather disappointed. So, on my way home today I wanted to stop by the library and pick up a book about Raphael since I'm writing a paper about his Mond Crucifixion for another art history class. I go to where the book should be, stop for a moment to check the call numbers, and find myself in the Rembrandt section of the books. There, smack in front of my nose, the book whose call number I was analyzing, was the book I had been desperately wanting--Reading Rembrandt by Mieke Bal.

I was baffled and bewildered, a little bit peeved that in all my searches of Mieke Bal, Reading Rembrandt, Rembrandt, the Nightwatch, the Night Watch, etc, etc, that this book did not show up. But then I was immediately grateful for what I choose to see as a tender mercy of the Lord. I picked up that book along with another Rembrandt one, checked them out, and left the library...forgetting Raphael entirely.

Still feeling stressed, but now I'm a bit more hopeful. Ahhh, so glad I found this book.

Also feeling extremely blessed that God is looking out for me. So grateful for this gentle reminder.

Realization

I was in the Museum of Art the other day for my art history class, and I was sitting there looking at the Wier Exhibition around me. I had already seen the pieces before, but this time, as I sat looking at the portraits and landscapes, I had an epiphany:

I like that art allows you to find beauty in every day life. I like that the artist possesses the ability to uncover a bit of beauty we may not have seen before.

And this, for me, was a reminder of why I am majoring in art history.

This is good enough. I'm grateful for that brief reassuring moment.

"Moments are the molecules of eternity." --Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. Actually, I think about the future frequently. I'm always thinking ahead, trying to plan and see how things will turn out, weigh my options and what steps I can take today that will put me where I want to be in a week, month, or a year from now. Is it overwhelming? Sometimes, but it's a habit of mine.

Sometimes I think God likes to put things and people in my life just to throw me off. Something happens that I wasn't seeking or necessarily wanting. Sometimes what happens in welcome, sometimes it's unwelcome. Either way, I wasn't expecting it, and it just completely throws me off. These instances confuse and bewilder me. I'm never quite certain how to feel about them, especially with regards to my future. I have a difficult time investing myself in things or experiences that I don't think will have a positive or lasting influence on my future. I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to get hurt. So maybe it's a form of security.

I wish I could more easily enjoy the moments, the fleeting passages of time that make up a life of memories and experiences and lessons. I mean, certain things only happen once. Why should I let my fear of the future prevent me from being happy now?

So this is my goal. Enjoy the simple moments that can bring us happiness and occur on a daily basis.

Reflections and such

I'm sitting here, all alone in my apartment, relishing in the solicitude....I love when I can hear myself think, when my thoughts just flow naturally from one thing to another. I'm so tired, but it's a good kind of tired. The kind where you know you're tired for a good reason; you don't regret feeling tired. I even got quite a bit done today despite my exhaustion. (I won't even tell you how late I woke up, mostly because my dad would be appalled. )

Today and yesterday were beautiful days. I walked all the way to the pool today just to find out that it was closed. But you know what? I didn't even care. I wanted to stay outside and just soak in the warmth. It was a perfect autumn day, and I soaked it in. I wish all Utah winters were this mild. It almost reminds me of Tennessee.

I woke up at 4:30 yesterday, wide awake. I finally rolled out of bed around five, and decided I wanted to go swimming. So I walked to the pool in the dark early morning hours, and I came to a conclusion: the hour or so before sunrise is my favorite time of the day. John Steinbeck once referred to it a quiet gray period, and for some reason, I love this description. I think it perfectly describes that time of day. It's so quiet and the promise of a new day is ripe in the air. It almost has a hopeful aspect to it.

Let it be known

That I hate firsts. 

And surprises. 

But mostly just firsts. 

Also, I am totally doing this on April Fool's Day this year. Watch out if you live in Provo.

What I Don't Understand

Is why did I wake up at seven this morning, unable to go back to sleep, on a day I did not even have school? Why?

Oh, the cruel irony of the universe.

A Tale from the Dance Floor...ish

Let it be known, I am in an international ballroom dance class. Basically we'll see how it goes.

So today in class, we "warmed up" with the box-step. For all you who are unaware, the box-step is the basic dance step of the waltz. We were supposed to have a partner with which to do this. But of course some guy did not show up to class on time, so yours truly did not have a partner with which to dance. Hence I got to dance by myself. It was weird and a little bit embarrassing, especially since people walking by could see everyone dancing with a partner...except for that one lame girl dancing awkwardly by herself. A midst trying to be ok with my situation and telling myself that others have danced by themselves before and no one really cares whether or not I have a partner (clearly I have issues with any situation that is even the least bit abnormal...it runs deep), in walks Neuroscience Guy. I call him this because the first time we danced, he was wearing a BYU Neuroscience shirt. I like to think he's studying to be a neurosurgeon or something. He totally looks like the neurosurgeon/left-brained type. (Sometimes my imagination just goes off.) Anyway so the first time I met him, he inquired if I swam. Bewildered, I answered yes then asked, with a very furrowed brow I might add, how he knew that. Laughing he said he knew this because I still had my wrist band on and, he reiterated a few times, it was not because I smelled of chlorine.

I diverge. Back to my story. I'm dancing all by myself, having a nice little pity party inside my head (Party in Emaline's head, population: 1), and in walks this guy. Impeccable timing, I think, just as the teacher shuts off the music.

And then I realize that this closely resembled a scene out of a romantic comedy type movie. Except in the film, the girl would have been devastated and stumbling over her footing just as the guy came in, took her in his arms, gazed into her eyes, and danced her away.

Or something.

So clearly I have issues with dancing alone when I should have a partner.

My life is a romantic comedy gone awry. Totally alright with that however.

I learn new things about myself [almost] every day.

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." -Jane Austen

Such is the theme of life.
The point is to just not give up.