Which Reminds Me...

I took the most terrifying final exam today. Well, it was terrifying for me.

For my Byzantine art history class, my professor puts up pictures of a fresco, mosaic, building, etc. and we are supposed to identify the building, year it was built (within +/- 10 years), location, and artist/architect if known; we then have to list everything about the work that we know (the more the better). That's 3-4 points you could potentially miss if you failed to do all that. We talk about a lot of frescoes/mosaics, and most of the time it's very difficult to find quality pictures of them on the interweb. Usually I do OK with finding images, but this time....no. I could not find hardly anything.

Conclusion: I basically guessed on three churches. It felt like I was poking around in the dark. He happened to put up images from three churches that I absolutely could not find. I usually don't feel prepared for his tests, but I tend to do pretty well on them anyway. This one was different though. I hate it when I don't know things, so I'm having to deduce and infer.

By the way...I guessed correctly. So relieved.

After I take this World Civilization final, I'll have three finals left which means halfway done. I have a German oral exam tomorrow that I am really nervous for. I suck at speaking German. I can read and write just fine, but speaking and listening comprehension? Ha. No. I had to sign up to take the exam at 8 AM. That kind of sucks/I hope I wake up. But it gets worse on Thursday; I have an exam at 7 AM. That's...just inappropriate. /I really really really hope I wake up.

You can't starve a fasting man, you can't steal from someone who has no money, you can't ruin someone who hates prestige. This is truly freedom.

Thus are the lives of Franciscan monks. I want to be one.

Some Byzantine Art Humor?

Guess who hasn't blogged in almost a month. I'm always annoyed when people don't blog for extended periods of time, i.e. a month, so naturally it's been really annoying me.

My first semester of college is over.

Conclusion: 18 credit hours are totally doable. Am I doing it next semester? Not as of right now, though that is subject to change. I'm considering adding an Intro to International Relations class however, just because it would fit perfectly into my schedule. Also, I am going to miss Professors Brown and Johnson. I ended up loving my PoliSci class, much to my surprise. Everything I ever thought about politics? Totally changed. That class was so enlightening. I'm really going to miss my Byzantine art history class. I loved Byzantine art before I took it, but I love it even more now. And Professor Johnson is just so awesome. His scope of knowledge is something I aspire to have one day. I also love his sense of humor.

In the fresco below is depicted the Visitation Scene where Mary and Elizabeth, both expecting, greet each other. They happen to be floating off the ground, and Prof. Johnson called it a "chest bump." So amused by this, but it might be one of those things where you had to be there to find it funny....

And then in the scene below, is the Lamentation Scene in which Christ has been removed from the cross and all around are mourning for his death. John's (in the pink) arms are thrown backward and his mouth is open, and I just imagine him saying, "What are you doing!??" It doesn't seem to me to be the "saddest" of poses, and I probably shouldn't find it as funny as I do, but I can't help it.

And I'm sure there's some Renaissance art historian somewhere who just died a little bit, because I implied the Giotto's Lamentation scene is Byzantine.

I Want So Much.....

THIS. How can I make this? Think, think.

Don't Read this Post

Lately I've been wondering if where I am in my life is the right place for me to be. Was BYU the right choice for me? I often wonder how my life would be different had I gone to VCU or Augustana instead. I'd have more debt. I would not be around so many Mormons. There would not be this subconscious pressure to if not get engaged then to at least have a boyfriend....probably.

I'm slowly realizing that I'm extremely alone in this world. Not in the sense that I'm friendless, have no one to turn to, etc. I know none of that is true. Nevertheless I do also know that there are things I'm not comfortable admitting or telling other people. But to get back to my original point, I'm alone. Only I can definitively control my life, I am the only one who really understands the why. What goes on in my world is largely unique to only me, the way I react and interpret things that go on. No one else is aware of the entirety of my life's circumstances and vice versa; I don't claim to know everything about others' lives. But really, it's just me. Often times I feel like the odd man out, the third wheel per say; when I'm with others doing things that I wasn't necessarily invited to, when I just tag along, or when I feel others are patronizing me with an invitation. This is when I become frustrated with the seeming lack of sincerity in general. I find myself not worrying about what others are worrying about, and then I start to question what I should want out of my own life, what I should make out of my life. I start doubting my major, because--let's face it--I love it, but there's not much I can do with it. It doesn't come with a lot of security attached to it.

I guess I have yet to find a more concrete role and place in this world. So of course I rant about it on this blog, and you probably could care less.

Why do we, as human beings, feel the need to be involved in the lives of those around us? Why do we feel this pressure to interact with people? Quite frankly, most of the times I don't want to, and then I feel forced to do something I don't want to and be something I'm not. I hate having to guess and gauge others' regards, to fret about making conversation with someone, because honestly I just prefer the sweet sound of silence. I hate the awkward feeling that arises out of a strained conversation, the fear that someone will judge you for a remark you make, the frantic state of my mind that accompanies face-to-face communication with others. There's probably one person I don't feel like this with, and that would be my mother.

Lately I've been retracting. This is what happens when my thoughts become so weighed down by the sheer magnitude of themselves that I turn inwards. It's a familiar feeling, I can pinpoint specific times in my life when this has happened. I know why it's happening, and now the biggest factor is time. I just need time. I need others to be patient with me, I need to be patient with myself.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said and things that need to be done, but I just can't. It's not a question of will but rather capability.

All I know are a few things, namely that I really want to serve a mission--now. I hate money. I know that I just want someone who will listen to me. I want to gain an education; I want more than one degree, and I want graduate school. I want to study abroad. I know I have a God in heaven who cares for me, and it seems that during times like these, this is one of the few things that carries me through. So basically, that's all I really know. The details can take care of themselves later.

Life is a Maze

So this is me. On campus. On a Saturday. Doing homework. Left the apartment at 8:30, and seven hours later here I am. Not as bad as one might think, actually.

And yes, I know, I woke up freakishly early for a Saturday morning.

I'm having a dilemma about next semester.

What do I want to take and how many credits?

I'm almost tempted to take 18.5. I just can't decide. I thought I wanted to take Intro to International Politics, then I thought a linguistics course would be interesting. Then I saw this movie today, Being in the World, and now I want to take a philosophy class. Philosophy is so abstract, it's not concrete whatsoever with the result being you can say whatever you want. I'm loving this concept right now. And then I thought a ballroom dance class would be fun. I have many issues with this, mainly I'm way too inhibited and I don't really...dance. That could change though, right? Then I thought I could take an intro to drawing or sculpture class. I have this theory I'm still formulating, but I think one gains a greater appreciation and understanding of art if one experiences the process.

So yeah, if I took one of the three classes above plus a ballroom dance class, that would put me at 18.5. Is this allowed at BYU? Shrugs in lack of resolution/answer.

I'm also toying with the idea of doing an internship in the winter or spring/summer semester at the Springville art museum. They have a large collection of newly obtained paintings from the Soviet era. I would absolutely love to get a closer, first-hand look and understanding of those works.

Clearly I cannot make decisions very well. If I paid someone five dollars, do you think they would make them for me?

Life and Me

I went to quiz bowl last night, and it made me think of March 5, 2011. Probably one of the best experiences of my life. I cherish that memory and am so grateful to have had that experience.

So I'm deciding which classes to take next semester, and I can't decide if I want to take this Art History Theory and Methodology course or if I want to take German at the same time as my friend. The Theory and Methodology course conflicts with the only time she can take it....hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I have an art history test tomorrow in my world civilization class. Is it terrible that I just don't care about it? I nailed my Byzantine art history mid term on Tuesday. I wasn't as good with the dates on this one, but I'm 99% I got them all within the ten year time span my professor graciously gives us.

I found this blog. It's written by one of associate art history professors here at BYU. I love it. Everything she says, I just keep thinking, "me, too." I don't think I've developed quite a love for French art and Manet, however I can relate to her passion and reasoning. It's comforting to know there are others...like me in the world. (That sounded weird. Hopefully you get the general gist, whoever you may be.)

I bought some quotable cards at the bookstore yesterday for some decoration in our scant living room. The walls are so bare, it's painful. Now I just need to hang them up. When I bought them, all I could think of was how my brother Rielly detests words as art. Maybe this is subconsciously preventing me from actually hanging them up. Or maybe I just have a lot of school stuff going on. So, of course, I'm blogging. Right. Either way, something has got to go on those walls.

Anyway, my favorite one quotes Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland:

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much patience," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Lately I've been getting to bed before midnight. Last night I went to bed before eleven. Tonight I will clearly be up past midnight. However, I love sleep. I really took that for granted before. Never again.

Basically, I have a lot going on right now, but I'm loving it.

I cannot wait for Christmas break. I'd rather have it without the whole finals, but I suppose that's not up to me.