"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered."

--Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern are Dead

Eighteen Months

I have an oral presentation to prepare for my 8 o'clock class tomorrow. I have a comprehensive German grammar and strong verbs exam tomorrow.

But I'm having trouble focusing.

I'm going to miss this blonde-haired girl for the next 18 months.

She is awkward and unabashedly herself. She is funny as all get out, and we survived a summer of camp together. When I told her I was engaged, her first response was "I'm not surprised, I saw it coming." Typical Leah.
Sometimes I think about the times when I wasn't patient with her, and I'm regretful.
But there's always tomorrow and the next week, month, year. Ample time to make things better and strengthen relationships. The most important thing, though, is that I focus on that today.

Ciao, Leah. Gott sei bei dir, bis wir uns wiedersehen.

Yes, yes, and yes

"A world which is a better place not just for some women, but for all women" has yet to be realized. "In what I still call a socialist feminist vision, that would be a far better world for boys and men, as well."

--Lynne Segal

You don't have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life, you just have to know what you want to do next.

Put Your Hand Up

Put your hand up if you're tired of those surface relationships. *raises hand*

You know, those relationships where you know each other for months or years and you never seem to get passed "How are you? How's school? Oh good, glad to hear it" followed promptly by silence and thoughts of departure. The ones where you don't delve beneath the surface, where you dig to find some other mundane detail of life to devour in conversation simply to avoid awkward silence. The relationships in which the other person could tell you what classes you're taking, what grades you make, maybe what you like to eat or how your parents are doing, but they know little of your heart. They know little of your passions or pursuits, your hopes or dreams, or what occupies your thoughts for hours on end.

And you know what? I'm over it. I'm over these surface level relationships. They frustrate me, they make me nervous in the face of social situations. I'm tired of trying to invest in a relationship that's not going anywhere. I fret over these instances and constantly think of how it could be, but it does no good. I could probably be more proactive about pursuing and creating these deeper level relationships, but it has to be a mutual effort, and oftentimes it's not.

In the words of the oh-so-philosophical Nacho Libre, I want to get down to the nitty gritty. I want to know who people are, because I want to have deeply fascinating conversations about life. So I'm going to start making an effort towards this.

Happy

I'm not a very avid blogger. Clearly.

But just an update: I'm happy, and here's a clue as to why...

I've had a hard time reconciling with myself the fact I got married so young. People liked to tell me that, even after the wedding, and it's always bothered me. I was and am keenly aware of how young I was; I know how it sounds. But you know what? Nathan makes me really happy, and our relationship is the most fulfilling of my life. Here's to what matters most.

Lately

Lately I've been thinking about growing up. And you know what? Sometimes it's hard.

As a little girl I was so anxious to be older. I wanted to wear make-up, shave my legs, and be on my own. I couldn't wait to be older and more mature. I was a dramatic little kid.

Growing up has come naturally to me. I've always been a mature person. In high school my friends liked to say that I was born sixteen, and I think my mother would almost agree with that. I am a naturally an independent person, and my parents instilled in me a healthy sense of responsibility. Transitioning from high school to college was smooth, the only bump being my first night (which I spent alone) in my college apartment. And then I got married, which brings with it a whole new batch of responsibilities that smack more of adulthood than only being in college.

And really, it wasn't until I got engaged that I started realizing how young I am. And the moment after my wedding luncheon ended, I cried, triggered by this immense feeling of "you're not a little kid anymore." I felt so old but still so young, and I wanted to curl up in my mom's arms.

Then life moved on. Back to school, the hustle of exams and research and final papers, and I get swallowed up in the stress and excitement. But lately I've had a lot of free time to think and consider what I want to do after graduation. Graduate school? Work? Something else? A month ago I had a direction and a plan, but I've realized how many possibilities there are, and I begin questioning my original plans. Maybe I want to pursue something else? Maybe I just want to go home, back to Tennessee. When I was in high school, it was mostly Colby, Abby, Leah, and me. Those three are still there while I'm still in Utah, and I can't shake this feeling of wanting to go home to my siblings and parents.

I feel as if I'm walking a fine line between moving forward with my life and going backwards, so I've come to the conclusion that growing up is hard.