Confession

Sometimes, I enjoy feeling sad, melancholic, or nostalgic.

I think these instances allow me to feel the complexity of human emotion, its depth and intricacy, its possibilities and strong influence.

Besides, one can't appreciate sunny weather if it didn't rain every now and then. Enjoy the rain while it lasts, ya know.

In Love with German Printmaking

The Master of the Amsterdam Cabinet, Holy Family, 1500

The Master of the Amsterdam Cabinet, Old Bulldog Scratching Himself,1485

Albrecht Durer, Self-Portrait at 13, 1484

Martin Schongauer, Nativity, 1470

The Master of the Amsterdam Cabinet, Christ Bearing the Cross, 1480-90

Albrecht Durer, St. Jerome in his Study, 1514

I gotta get this out of my head

In my life, there are a number of friendly-type of relationships that have diminished. My relationships with certain people are not what they once used to be. Close friends have become distant acquaintances, and I feel trapped when I'm around them. None of the ease that should accompany a true friendship.

I'm trapped by memories, haunted by echoes of something I once had but have now lost. And I am not sure how to get this back.

Even if I do "succeed," there exists this shell, a remnant of a connection that no longer exists that I've outgrown. A hollow and empty form that reminds me of what things once were. And I can't seem to overcome it. Things never seem to be the same, and I don't seem to quite succeed.

It's discouraging. It also makes me sad.

But I want to try to make amends. That counts for something, right?

In the instances where I have made amends, I feel hopeful but also unfulfilled at the same time. I yearn for the friendship that was once there. I want to permanently erase deeds and words from memory or any tangible evidence, blurt out apologies for my mistakes, and tell these people what I desire. I was never one for expressing my feelings to such an extent.

I find myself longing for friendship, and I can't seem to shake it off. But nor can I seem to succeed. Whether I attempt to amend a lost friendship or try to start a new one, I never feel like I get very far.

Maybe I should just try being a better friend to the ones that I already have. I can direct the path of my future.

Sorry for the rather introspective thoughts lately. I don't mean to be a downer, but I don't want to simply forget some realizations I've had lately.

Holding Back

I'm beginning to notice that there are certain times when I just need to hold back.

Sometimes it's hard for me to not be everyone's mother, especially when I care about a person.

But there are times when I feel like I don't know what to say. I want to express an urgency to keep going, I want to express my incredulity at their actions, I want to point out future ramifications of actions. But I just don't know how to say this without being rude or unnecessarily bossy. And it just isn't my place.

So I hold back, and hope that things get done. Hope is confidence, right? A confidence in things not seen but are true. A bit like faith.

Forgetting

I think the ability to consciously and willfully forget is an aspect of God.

I'm no genius, but I have a pretty good memory. When people talk, I listen, and when I listen, I internalize. Words and images are easily impressed upon my mind.

Sometimes my ability to remember things can be rather harmful to myself and my relationships with others. I don't mean to, but I hold onto people's words, and they sometimes resurface in my brain. Even when I thought I was over something or I had already let something go, shells of said words return to me, and I discover that they still slightly sting.

And I just want to forget. That would facilitate so much in my life, make many hurt or bitter feelings easier to overcome.

I never want to be the kind of person that brings up past words or deeds as justification for my actions. I never want to be that kind of wife, especially, who tells her husband that "you did this which affected me in this way, and now I'm doing this thing, so why can't you just be whatever?" Obviously that was a really vague example, but I think it could be pretty easy to fill in those blanks with specific actions or words.

Hence, my conclusion: it is an attribute of God to simply and consciously forget when we as humans err.
Oh, to be like God!

Regrets

I've been thinking a lot about regrets lately, mostly the ones I have from my teenage years. I try to justify some of my actions by saying I was a teenager with weird, unbalanced hormone levels, and I'm a very different person now, but I struggle to understand my motivation for some of the things I did.

I ran into someone on campus the other day that sparked this train of thought. When I first saw them, it didn't register for a split second, then I barely had time to say "hey" as I walked passed them. All of the sudden I was overwhelmed with this desire to contact this person and profusely apologize. I wouldn't necessarily be asking for their forgiveness, but rather their understanding. I just wanted to say, and still want to say, sorry, sorry for being mean, sorry for not being a better friend when I really should have been. I just want this person to know that I regret so much what happened with our friendship and the way it ended, mainly because of my fault.  

I want my life to be lived without regrets. I hate feeling like this, it haunts me. I want to treat others the way I want to be treated, the way others simply deserve to be treated. And I want to be happy, but feeling like this prevents me from being happy. So, I think I'm going to write this person a letter and send it to them in the mail. I hope they open it. Even if they don't, at least I sent it.

It's been...a long time.

Oh hey.
I promise I haven't forgotten about you. Blogger looks so different. It's just that this past semester has been hectic and crazy and this upcoming one will be more hectic and crazier. Fun stuff.

I suppose I should just mention that I am married...yeah. I really enjoy it. I think that of all the facets and nuances of my relationship with Nathan, the one I treasure the most is our friendship. We can have the most ridiculous conversations and come up with outlandish scenarios, and it's just so fun. It's liberating to be with someone that loves you for who you are, and you don't have to worry about saying the wrong vs. the right thing or what they think about you, and all those other issues I have when conversing with people. He listens to me, I listen to him, and we talk about anything and everything. I never imagined myself married at only twenty, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I am really grateful he's in my life and that I have the chance to experience life with him. I think that's another thing I love about our relationship--when he is there for the cherished, sad, awkward, hilarious moments. It's extremely fulfilling to be with someone who wants to and enjoys sharing life with you, someone who's committed to sharing all of life's difficulties and happy times. This is mostly what I look forward to. That and graduating from graduate school.