Just thinkin' 'bout happiness and decisions

I was talking to a friend today about someone feeling like they hadn't received an answer to a big decision they were trying to make in their life. This person had been praying about it, but hesitated because they didn't feel like they got a definite answer. My friend kind of shook her head when she heard this, and was telling me how this sort of situation is difficult for her to understand. She said that sometimes she's unsure of what she wants to do, but after she thinks about it is able to make definitive decision concerning the situation. She said that if you feel good about a situation and are happy with it, then maybe you don't need an answer. Maybe that good feeling and your already established happiness is the answer you're looking for.

This really struck me, because I had not thought of this before.

A lot of times, I'm looking for a definite answer, or as she put it, a bolt of lightning. I want this feeling of reassurance or something to happen that will tell me where to go and what to do. Maybe this isn't what I should be looking for. Maybe I should be content with happiness dictating my decision making. Maybe I should be asking myself, "Is this making me happy? Is this what I want? If yes, then go for it."

In case you were unaware, I'm having a difficult time deciding what to do this spring/summer. So I think I'll approach this decision from a different angle. Maybe I'm not sure what exactly I want to do, but I know there are some things I do want and some things I don't want. So maybe I'll think about this, weigh my options, make a list of things I do/don't want, and then make my decision. And then I'll decide which option will make me happiest.

Yeah. Let's do that.

Tender mercies come in all shapes and sizes

A tender mercy of the Lord:

I have been kind of stressed out lately about this huge project that's due in less than a month. I don't quite have enough research, and I've been really wanting this book that my library supposedly didn't have. Needless to say, I was rather disappointed. So, on my way home today I wanted to stop by the library and pick up a book about Raphael since I'm writing a paper about his Mond Crucifixion for another art history class. I go to where the book should be, stop for a moment to check the call numbers, and find myself in the Rembrandt section of the books. There, smack in front of my nose, the book whose call number I was analyzing, was the book I had been desperately wanting--Reading Rembrandt by Mieke Bal.

I was baffled and bewildered, a little bit peeved that in all my searches of Mieke Bal, Reading Rembrandt, Rembrandt, the Nightwatch, the Night Watch, etc, etc, that this book did not show up. But then I was immediately grateful for what I choose to see as a tender mercy of the Lord. I picked up that book along with another Rembrandt one, checked them out, and left the library...forgetting Raphael entirely.

Still feeling stressed, but now I'm a bit more hopeful. Ahhh, so glad I found this book.

Also feeling extremely blessed that God is looking out for me. So grateful for this gentle reminder.

Realization

I was in the Museum of Art the other day for my art history class, and I was sitting there looking at the Wier Exhibition around me. I had already seen the pieces before, but this time, as I sat looking at the portraits and landscapes, I had an epiphany:

I like that art allows you to find beauty in every day life. I like that the artist possesses the ability to uncover a bit of beauty we may not have seen before.

And this, for me, was a reminder of why I am majoring in art history.

This is good enough. I'm grateful for that brief reassuring moment.

"Moments are the molecules of eternity." --Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. Actually, I think about the future frequently. I'm always thinking ahead, trying to plan and see how things will turn out, weigh my options and what steps I can take today that will put me where I want to be in a week, month, or a year from now. Is it overwhelming? Sometimes, but it's a habit of mine.

Sometimes I think God likes to put things and people in my life just to throw me off. Something happens that I wasn't seeking or necessarily wanting. Sometimes what happens in welcome, sometimes it's unwelcome. Either way, I wasn't expecting it, and it just completely throws me off. These instances confuse and bewilder me. I'm never quite certain how to feel about them, especially with regards to my future. I have a difficult time investing myself in things or experiences that I don't think will have a positive or lasting influence on my future. I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to get hurt. So maybe it's a form of security.

I wish I could more easily enjoy the moments, the fleeting passages of time that make up a life of memories and experiences and lessons. I mean, certain things only happen once. Why should I let my fear of the future prevent me from being happy now?

So this is my goal. Enjoy the simple moments that can bring us happiness and occur on a daily basis.

Reflections and such

I'm sitting here, all alone in my apartment, relishing in the solicitude....I love when I can hear myself think, when my thoughts just flow naturally from one thing to another. I'm so tired, but it's a good kind of tired. The kind where you know you're tired for a good reason; you don't regret feeling tired. I even got quite a bit done today despite my exhaustion. (I won't even tell you how late I woke up, mostly because my dad would be appalled. )

Today and yesterday were beautiful days. I walked all the way to the pool today just to find out that it was closed. But you know what? I didn't even care. I wanted to stay outside and just soak in the warmth. It was a perfect autumn day, and I soaked it in. I wish all Utah winters were this mild. It almost reminds me of Tennessee.

I woke up at 4:30 yesterday, wide awake. I finally rolled out of bed around five, and decided I wanted to go swimming. So I walked to the pool in the dark early morning hours, and I came to a conclusion: the hour or so before sunrise is my favorite time of the day. John Steinbeck once referred to it a quiet gray period, and for some reason, I love this description. I think it perfectly describes that time of day. It's so quiet and the promise of a new day is ripe in the air. It almost has a hopeful aspect to it.

Let it be known

That I hate firsts. 

And surprises. 

But mostly just firsts. 

Also, I am totally doing this on April Fool's Day this year. Watch out if you live in Provo.

What I Don't Understand

Is why did I wake up at seven this morning, unable to go back to sleep, on a day I did not even have school? Why?

Oh, the cruel irony of the universe.