Lazy Day

Yesterday, I may or may not have watched an entire season of Park and Rec.

I woke up, made the bed, worked out, and ate breakfast. I wasn't feeling the cleaning, organizing, or baking that had filled my days earlier this week, so I binged on this wonderful show.

Around 6 o'clock, I went in to make dinner. Dirty dishes filled the sink, I still hadn't fully cleaned up from the baking a few days prior or my breakfast or lunch from the same day. And yet I was filled with a feeling of reassurance that when he got home, Nathan wouldn't be annoyed or disappointed at all. He wouldn't be irritated or frustrated about the messy house or the extraordinarily lazy day that I had, and that made me feel so much better. He's never like that. I'm constantly amazed at the immense love and consideration he has for me. He's just happy to see me when he gets home, no other expectations.

Before he left for work this morning, he did however close out of the Netflix tab on my computer. I don't remember his exact words when he closed out of the tab, but they were loving and gentle.

Let it be known

I survived my first semester of grad school. It was stressful. There were times when I floundered and felt wholly inadequate, but I'm grateful to be in a supportive and encouraging program. Linda Stone-Ferrier reminded me so graciously that I'm here to learn, and I've really tried to internalize that the past few months. I'm not here because I'm perfect or a full-fledged scholar. I'm here because I'm neither of those things but willing to work hard and become better.

More than anything, I learned that there is so much more to life than grad school. I get so caught up in being a good student and worrying what my professors think of me that I tend to shove everything else aside. But I need to prioritize following the Lord and becoming more Christlike. Daily scripture study and prayer are vital tools in this process. When I'm doing these acts daily and God is my top priority, everything else will fall into place.

One down, three to go until I finish the MA. Still on the fence about the PhD, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Life Changes

Sometimes, change doesn't come drip by drip. Some changes are torrential. 

I left Goldman after two-plus years. 

Nathan graduated with his master's degree in biochemistry, topping a journey that commenced 10 years ago for him. 

We moved halfway across the country to a place neither of us ever imagined we'd live. 

I started grad school. 

And  grad school was the right choice for me, on so many levels. Nathan's a trooper for going along with it all. We're liking our new home so far. I love the verdure and gentle hills that are so abundant in this little corner of the Midwest we've found ourselves. I'm also excited to be living near LDS church history sites after studying so much about these places. I'm interested in returning to these locales and seeing how my perception and interaction with them has changed (or hasn't, who knows). 

Canada

Nathan and I spent 9 days in Canada and it was a fantastic trip. It's Canada's 150th birthday (arguably) and entry to all of their national parks was free for the year. We went to Waterton & Banff in Alberta and Glacier National Park in British Columbia; we camped in Glacier although there was an active fire in the east end of the park and frequent bear sightings. Luckily for us neither of those impaired our visit. The parks were beautiful and we hiked 6-12 miles a day, so we returned home with sore legs. Nathan showed me all his favorite spots in Calgary and the food was worth the hype.

IMHO, Glacier was the best.


Glacier

Wildflowers, rivers, and pines, oh my!

The moss covered rocks and gorgeous pines, cedars, and hemlocks! Ah!

Banff

Lake Louise at the top (a gorgeous, dusty baby blue), Nathan with his walking stick that blends in with the trees, Silverton Falls, and the lovely Bow River. 

 Found these fun red Adirondacks by the Hoodoos. I was so excited to find a pair after reading that the Canadian government placed a handful of the chairs in certain national parks.

Boom Lake, courtesy of Nathan's photography skills. 

Cardston 

The LDS temple, a beautiful brick wall with a cute boy, and the most mesmerizing sunset - the picture doesn't even begin to do it justice.

We visited the Remington Carriage Museum and it was probably my most favorite thing ever....ever. 

"Nathan, take a picture of me as I alight out of my carriage."

Waterton

The spectacular view from Bear's Hump. Somewhere in the mid-ground of this picture is the Canada-US border with Montana. 

Calgary

Pics by & of the LDS temple and Nathan with his first love - Seniore's donair pizza. 

Late Nights and Daffodils

Work hours come and go in cycles. The past two weeks, the short hours have been going while the long hours have settled in. 

I arrived home from work this past Thursday around 9:15. I was tired, my head and eyes ached. Nathan picked me up from the train station and we went home. I walked in the door, and noticed an empty sink, a tidied kitchen. I threw some pocket lint away and noticed that the vacuum had been emptied out. My eyes ventured to the cleaned carpet and finally, I noticed some bright daffodils sitting in the white pitcher on the dining table. 

I turned to Nathan and in surprise asked him if he had done the dishes and vacuumed? He answered yes, and I followed up with another question: did you make the bed, too? He nodded. Where'd you get the daffodils? I went to Smith's and got some flowers for you then I got some flowers for me. He had purchased some sweet and Thai basil. 

These simple acts of thoughtfulness were tender mercies, and I felt such immense gratitude for Nathan, although busy with experiments and writing a thesis, who took the time to serve me. 

Sure love that guy. 

A Little Piece of My Heart

Dear L&T,

You moved to St. George yesterday.

Thus ended a chapter in my life of living next door to you guys, commencing a new chapter in your lives. It was and will be quite an adventure.

And when you drove south with the truck and trailer carrying all your belongings, you also carried with you a little piece of my heart, sitting snugly in his car-seat.

It's amazing what a little boy can teach you about forgiveness, joy, patience, frustration, sorrow, laughter, vivacity, and love in a short year and a half.

I'll miss your Big Shark who calls himself "Ol" and proudly proclaims he's three. I'll miss those moments when he would knock on my door, promptly walk in then say, "E, what ya do?" I'll miss his giggles, his hugs, his help in the kitchen, his games that involved monsters and playing asleep or dead. I'll miss the look of pure satisfaction and bliss on his face when he's running -- usually being chased by someone.

We've been through some tough moments as well as perfect ones, moments of regret but also sweet success. I'm so grateful to have had this time with him and for the friendship he has so generously shared with me. I'm also grateful for your patience with me as I have learned alongside and from him.

Sure love you, Oliver.

All the best,
Oliver's E

She Hath Done What She Could

I watched the first session of general conference a few weeks ago, known as the general women's session. It's a unique opportunity to hear from the female leadership of the LDS church. One theme that stood out to me was that of service, and I wanted to share some thoughts.

She hath wrought a good work...She hath done what she could. --Mark 14: 6-8

This is all the Lord asks of us. 

"...there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." --Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

We are never alone, especially when we are serving the Lord's children.

I often think about language's ability to simultaneously limit and expand our understanding of Christ's doctrine. Communication is a funny thing; language facilitates the exchange of communication, but the efficacy of communication depends upon how the message is sent and received. Words have myriads connotations to different individuals, but culture also influences what notions we associate with certain words. When speaking about the role of women, I want to broaden how we interpret certain words that are typically associated with that topic. Neill Marriott spoke last night and I loved how she took expanded our understanding of three words in particular: to nurture, to mother, and to create. We don't have to think of these words in a way that limits them to a biologically essentialist understanding. Instead, we can see how these words apply in a variety of situations and encompass all of God's daughters. Thinking of these words and concepts in new lights allows us to broaden and value women's roles and influences and purposes in many ways. It's liberating.

Florida

Nathan and I spent the past week in Florida and it was glorious (picture evidence below).

We were in this little resort town called Palm Beach Shores. We loved it; it was quiet, empty, and small though a bit eerie at night. The beach, private for the resort guests, wasn't very crowded, the Atlantic ocean was warm. We built a sand castle which we dubbed Shell's Keep and Nathan dug holes big enough to climb in and out of it. The distant sound of the ocean was therapeutic and the sunrises peaceful. We ate lunch or breakfast on our balcony, overlooking the pool and nearby beach. And I read a book on the beach almost every day...in short, we lived the dream.  

We ventured to Miami on Friday. A colleague at work recommended that we check out world-famous South Beach and Miami features one of the (if not "the") largest concentration of Art Deco buildings. We headed downtown and oh man, we missed Palm Beach Shores. The streets were crowded with cars, pedestrians, and preying valets alike. Young adults and retired folks walked on the pavement and people hung from their ocean-view balconies. Bars lined the streets and girls danced on corners and tables to presumably attract business. The city was packed and parking was not to be found (at least at a reasonable price). After inching along the road, we decided this "college spring break" scene was not our cup of tea and we left. We met up with a friend of mine and went on a thriller speedboat tour around the harbor and into the ocean instead. It was a worthwhile decision. 

I did get a peak at some nifty art deco buildings though. I would love to go back and explore the streets in the early morning to get a glimpse of the architecture void of traffic and pedestrians. 

We got back this morning to windy, chilly Utah weather and we already miss Palm Beach. 

Four Years

Four years ago, I was sitting in an apartment in Provo. It was dark. I was watching Pride and Prejudice (the BBC masterpiece) and a cute, nervous boy was sitting next to me, holding my hand.

Shortly after the movie ended and that shy boy worked up the nerve to say what was on his mind, he asked if I would like to be his girlfriend. And I said I'd love to.

And I have loved being his girlfriend, fiance, wife, confidant, cheerleader, shoulder to cry {& sleep} on, snuggle buddy, hand to hold, travel mate, fellow late-night-snacker, co-adventurer, dancing partner, fashion adviser, best friend, and companion. He has been and is all these things for me and more.

What an adventure we embarked on four years ago.

Postscript: I just need the world to know that this man wakes up with me at 5 AM to make me breakfast during the busy work days.
Voluntarily.
Without complaint.
And it's always so yummy.
He's a keeper, I know.

Other than the light partially obliterating our faces, I love this picture. The colors, the people, the time of year.

My Portion of Humankind

I think about the following quite a bit though not often enough:

"Each of us has more opportunities to do good and to be good than we ever use. These opportunities lie all around us. Whatever the size of our present circle of effective influence, if we were to improve our performance even a little bit, that circle would be enlarged. There are many individuals waiting to be touched and loved if we care enough to improve in our performance.

We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking lots, offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind God has given us to love and to serve. It will do us little good to speak of the general brotherhood of mankind if we cannot regard those who are all around us as our brothers and sisters. If our sample of humanity seems unglamorous or so very small, we need to remember the parable Jesus gave us in which he reminded us that greatness is not always a matter of size or scale, but of the quality of one’s life. If we do well with our talents and with the opportunities around us, this will not go unnoticed by God. And to those who do well with the opportunities given them, even more will be given!"

To me, it's a really empowering fact that God puts you in a place at a certain time, not always for you benefit, but to benefit others. He trusts you, he gives you responsibilities, because he knows that you are capable of effecting a change in the lives of others for the better. This fact has so much potential to alter people's attitudes, and it want it to have more sway in my life as I interact with those around me. 

In the same article where the above is taken from, President Spencer W. Kimball also notes that Jesus "was not afraid of close friendships." Being social and reaching out to people is hard for me. But to be someone's friend, to gain and honor their trust, is an effective way to love and serve them. I crave to serve those around me and be an instrument in the hands of the Lord, but it's a matter of overcoming my weakness and going forth in boldness and courage to serve my portion of humankind.

My Grandmother's Nightgown

For the last several years of her life, my grandmother was home-bound. Every time we visited her, she was wearing a nightgown. She was small, with her thin, wispy, permed white hair and large-framed glasses, and her nightgowns seemed to swallow her. They were so grandmotherly--long and loose dresses of the softest material, some frill or embroidery around the edges, garnished with small buttons. It seemed so fitting, so classic, that my grandmother wore these nightgowns.

When she passed away in March, my grandfather gave her pajamas to the granddaughters who wanted them. I took one of my grandmother's nightgowns. I wore it to bed for the first time a few nights ago. The nightgown was permeated with her smell. I wanted to take it back off and put it back in the drawer so I could preserve the smell and thereby the memories associated with this nightgown.

But I left it on, and in the morning the smell merely lingered. It was a bittersweet moment as I realized that not all things have to fade away.

Graduated

I graduated. Magna Cum Laude. December 2014. Nathan, too.

Life after graduation is different than I imagined. I imagined employment or scholarships offering us opportunities in someplace else, someplace new and probably exciting. Nothing terribly exotic, but something different, a visual and physical break with my undergraduate experience.

But I find myself in the same place, same apartment, wearing the same things, eating the same things, living with the same hand-me-down furniture as my undergraduate years. In two years, I'll probably find myself in the same place; if not the same apartment then the same quiet college town.

I can't help but feel that life has a way of being anticlimactic. Something "big" happens, the hulabaloo dies down in a matter of minutes, hours, or maybe even days, and then it continues. Life picks back up, and on you go.

Who knows what I'm looking for when these big life events happen? I think I'm searching for a pause button. Wait, wait, just a minute. Let's savor this moment, celebrate with people we love, and just take a small break to say yes! We did it! But life, especially my life, happens quietly. It really makes me reevaluate history, this awareness of just how quiet yet significant peoples' lives can be.

Rainy Day and Stuck Thoughts

It's a rainy day.

Not just any rainy day, though. The kind of rainy day where it's rained all day, and it's supposed to rain on into tomorrow. The kind of rainy day where the rain is persistent, and the monotonous sound begins to imprint itself in your mind, and your thoughts get stuck in a pattern like the rain drops.

Here are some of my thoughts that are kind of stuck right now:
--Being unemployed is boring and kind of scary.
--The worst part of unemployment is waiting for the process to unravel.
--Do I want to go to grad school in art history because it's comfortable, familiar, and I'm good at it, or do I want to push myself outside my comfort zone and try something new, take my life in a different direction?
--That GRE...
--Law school?
--Leah. Cutest missionary ever, and she's so happy. I'm happy for her.
--I just want to be warm in my apartment, is that too much to ask?
--Money. Ugh.
--Do I miss school or am I enjoying the break from it?

Welcome, 2015.

"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered."

--Tom Stoppard, Rosencratz and Guildenstern are Dead

Eighteen Months

I have an oral presentation to prepare for my 8 o'clock class tomorrow. I have a comprehensive German grammar and strong verbs exam tomorrow.

But I'm having trouble focusing.

I'm going to miss this blonde-haired girl for the next 18 months.

She is awkward and unabashedly herself. She is funny as all get out, and we survived a summer of camp together. When I told her I was engaged, her first response was "I'm not surprised, I saw it coming." Typical Leah.
Sometimes I think about the times when I wasn't patient with her, and I'm regretful.
But there's always tomorrow and the next week, month, year. Ample time to make things better and strengthen relationships. The most important thing, though, is that I focus on that today.

Ciao, Leah. Gott sei bei dir, bis wir uns wiedersehen.

Yes, yes, and yes

"A world which is a better place not just for some women, but for all women" has yet to be realized. "In what I still call a socialist feminist vision, that would be a far better world for boys and men, as well."

--Lynne Segal

You don't have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life, you just have to know what you want to do next.

Put Your Hand Up

Put your hand up if you're tired of those surface relationships. *raises hand*

You know, those relationships where you know each other for months or years and you never seem to get passed "How are you? How's school? Oh good, glad to hear it" followed promptly by silence and thoughts of departure. The ones where you don't delve beneath the surface, where you dig to find some other mundane detail of life to devour in conversation simply to avoid awkward silence. The relationships in which the other person could tell you what classes you're taking, what grades you make, maybe what you like to eat or how your parents are doing, but they know little of your heart. They know little of your passions or pursuits, your hopes or dreams, or what occupies your thoughts for hours on end.

And you know what? I'm over it. I'm over these surface level relationships. They frustrate me, they make me nervous in the face of social situations. I'm tired of trying to invest in a relationship that's not going anywhere. I fret over these instances and constantly think of how it could be, but it does no good. I could probably be more proactive about pursuing and creating these deeper level relationships, but it has to be a mutual effort, and oftentimes it's not.

In the words of the oh-so-philosophical Nacho Libre, I want to get down to the nitty gritty. I want to know who people are, because I want to have deeply fascinating conversations about life. So I'm going to start making an effort towards this.

Happy

I'm not a very avid blogger. Clearly.

But just an update: I'm happy, and here's a clue as to why...

I've had a hard time reconciling with myself the fact I got married so young. People liked to tell me that, even after the wedding, and it's always bothered me. I was and am keenly aware of how young I was; I know how it sounds. But you know what? Nathan makes me really happy, and our relationship is the most fulfilling of my life. Here's to what matters most.